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i'm keeping my promise... i will update (hopefully i do continue this every night). ;)

the best part is that i actually have a number of things written already... so here we go..time to paste what i've written over the past 24 hours and edit/add/whatever...i'll go from least to most recent..that makes sense. just a warning...you may not fully get what i'm trying to say in one of the parts...you'll see what i mean :P

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posto ne zelim da svi ovo mogu procitati... sta bolje nego da pisem na jeziku koji koliko ja znam nitko osim mene tko ovdje dolazi nece moci razumjeti. i pase, zato sto cu pisati u vezi necega sto se radi oko ovog jezika. oko srpskog ustvari, ali to je sve skoro isto. hrvatski, srpski, bosanski, jedva ima razlike. jednostavno hocu da pisem u vezi subote. samo ne znam koliko dobro cu to opisati jer ja prakticno nikad ne pisem na bosanskom - i u prici je samo sa roditeljima. tako da ce ovo biti malo teze... ali dobro ce mi doci vjezba.

ok, u subotu... liz (a joj, sad ce znati da se radi o njoj i onda ce ispitivati sta sam napisala..ma ispitivati ce ona tako i onako, nema veze).. film je pocinjao u pola pet... a ona (necu je odsad obracati imenom, nego sa 'ona') je rekla da bi dosla malo kod mene u tri (spomenula je da nam to da sat i pol da se, doslovno prevedeno "pravimo van".. to zvuci uzasno glupo, ali ima smisla kad se prevede na engleski).. dosla je oko pola cetiri... cekala dok ja jedem.. onda smo gledale neke slike u mojoj sobi... i tako.. onda oko cetiri smo krenule... kad smo stigle do kina, saznale smo da nema prijevoda na engleski vec je sve samo na srpskom... ne znam zasto, ali ona je i dalje htjela gledati film, tako da smo kupile karte i otisle unutra.

ranije tog dana, ja sam procitala njezin email koji mi je poslala... i malo je zvucala ljuta... u njemackoj skoli ja sam joj napisala odgovor... taman prije nego sto je poceo film sam je pitala dali hoce da procita.. i pocela je citati, ali nije zavrsila jer je film poceo i bilo je premracno.

u toku filma, ponekad bi saptale jedna drugoj - ona bi pitala sta se dogadja ili sta nesto znaci ili tako nesto, a ja bih joj onda objasnjavala, ili je ispravljala. nakon mozda...skoro sat vremena... obadvjema nam je bilo dosadno (bio je glup film) pa je ona upalila svjetlo na svom satu i sa njim citala moje pismo. u njemu sam ja pisala o.. sta ja znam, kako je volim, i koliko zelim da je drzim uza se... itd. spomenula sam da sve stvarcice koje ona radi ja ne shvatam preozbiljno jer... ne znam da li sam napisala zasto. samo sam rekla da imam osjecaj da me ona..kako se to kaze... ma, da mi jednostavno daje laznu nadu... da se samo zeza... i zato ja to nista nisam htjela da mislim da ima ikakvog znacenja osim samo iz zazencije..

i onda kad je zavrsila....malo kasnije pocela me je udarati..moju nogu.. ona je sjedila na mojoj ljevoj strani, i njena desna ruka je udarala moju ljevu nogu... ja sam onda moju ljevu ruku prenjela preko rucnog naslona (na njenu stranu) i zgrabila njenu ruku da me ne udara... onda je ona gurala njenu saku a ja je drzala sa svojom rukom... i onda je valjda primjetila da nisam TOLIKO slaba (iako ja jos uvijek mislim da jesam..mada sam ja koristila ljevu ruku a ona desnu...a obadvije smo desnjakinje..) ok, onda smo samo ostale sjedeci tako... nekako smo se obadvije spustile nisko u sjedalima, i tako drzale ruke... onda je ona ponovno pocela se igrati sa mojim hlacama... ovaj put ih je vukla... onda se igrala sa onim rupama za remen... i onda je gurnula svoju ruku u moj dzep.. ne znam jeli ocekivala da ce nesto naci u njemu..ili je jednostavno htjela da stavi svoju ruku u moj dzep. zna se koje od to dvoje bi ja vise volila ;) (sad mi je vec puno lakse pisati...valjda mi je samo trebalo malo da se uhodam).. onda... malo je podesavala moju jaknu (kao da je jastuk) i naslonila svoju glavu na moje rame... ja sam onda svoju glavu naslonila na njenu i sjedila sa osmjehom na licu dosta dugo... posto mi je ljeva ruka jos uvijek bila na njenoj strani, mogla sam osjetiti kako dise... i njena ruka je bila naslonjena na mene, tako da je sigurno i ona mogla osjetiti moje disanje (i zato sam pokusavala da ga sto vise usporim jer sam osjetila da mi je srce malo brze lupalo i da sam morala dublje disati...) malo po malo, posto je moja desna ruka bila na mom stomaku.. njena ruka bi se malo spustila..moja malo digla.. i onda su nam ruke bile jedna na drugoj... i to je bilo jednostavno... *duboko uzdise* najbolji osjecaj koji sam ikad osjetila... bilo je... perfektno. da mi je to samo ponoviti... volila bih da nekako zauvijek mogu zabiljeziti taj osjecaj... bojim se da kako vrijeme ide da cu zaboraviti kako se to osjecalo.. ali znas sta? sad je gotovo 3 sata..idem ja spavati... laku noc. mozda jos malo dodam sutra. vidjet cemo. cao.

okay, evo me sad ponovno.. 21 sat kasnije.. samo hocu da pokusam da jos bolje uhvatim taj osjecaj... problem je da se osjecaji nemogu opisati u rjecima, vec se jednostavno mora dozivjeti ili imati u memoriji. a toga se bojim - da cu zaboraviti.. i zato mozda ako se potrudim uspijem zapisati dovljno tog osjacaja ovdje pa da kad god procitam ovo se sjetim kako se to osjecalo.

ona ima..poseban miris. nista drugo ne mirise kao ona. i kad se god sjetim njenog mirisa osjecam se kao da lebdim... jednostavno me uzdize... i disanje mi odmah postaje dublje...glasnije...sporije... tako mi je bilo u kinu, samo sto sam pokusavala da se ne primjeti jer nisam htjela da ona misli da nesto nije u redu sa mnom ili da misli da sam glupa jer mi nesto tako jednostavno toliko puno znaci. ali... stvarno... osjecaj je neopisljiv... napokon sam bila stigla do negdje... kad god sam bila zainteresirana za nekoga nista ne bih dobila od toga (najbolje je bilo zagrljaji od nekih... i masa, ali to je sve bilo iz prijateljstva).. ovo, prvi put u zivotu sam se osjecala kao da netko za kim ludim je bio zainteresiran... nista vise ja ne trazim... samo da mozemo biti tako bliske... da je imam uza se... jedino sto mi jos fali je poljubac.

ali, dok sam tamo sjedila, gledala film.. osjecala bi nesto da putuje kroz moje tjelo.. kao... struja nekakva... i jednostavno osjecaj koji sam ja naucila da zovem ljubav... kad se osjecam jednostavno sretno, kao da lebdim... i ostavljam sve ispod sebe, i putujem u slobodu...u bezkonacnost... visoki osjecaj..lagan osjecaj... kao da vjetar puse odozdo prema gore, i sa sobom gura pero.. ja sam to pero.. koje se bezkonacno uzdize... samo se bojim da njoj slucajno ne smeta da ja govorim da se ovako osjecam. ali sta ja tu mogu... nisam ja odlucila da cu je voliti.. samo se tako desilo. kao sto se ja samo mogu nadati da cemo nas dvije jednog dana biti par. da cu je slobodno moci grliti i ljubiti bez straha. dobro, evo. dosta o ovome dok netko ne pomisli da je sve ovo napisano na bosanskom... idemo dalje.

***

so today... i realised that it appears that amber IS interested in me. i was just jokingly saying "so are you still upset that i didn't want to talk to you because of liz" and she goes "yes" and i continue in my little joking tone "and why would you be upset" and she goes "honestly, if you can't figure it out you're stupid" and so then i was like "oh. okay." and she's like "okay, so you get it?" and i just said "yeah" and that was that.

here's the dilemma... while i want absolutely no "commitment" with her... i don't think i'd mind having just a little fun with her or something... you know, something i can just play with every now and then. BUT. well, no one ever said she'd be okay with that... but if she was... there's still the worry that it may push liz away... and if it does then screw it. i don't need it.

jordin and amber said i need to be more open to other girls and jordin was saying to be open-minded about polygamy. and well, while i wouldn't mind messing around w/ amber, it would hold absolutely no meaning to me.

and hmm.. i suppose risking pushing away the person i love for a little fun that really doesn't mean anything to me would be foolish. but then i think... i'm not even WITH liz... what if... what if she never DOES want anything.... then it might be too late for anything with amber and i'll think that i was foolish to wait so long for nothing.

and... liz is the one who said she doesn't want serious relationships right now. so, that would mean freedom... so, i wouldn't mind if say... we were seeing each other and she was also having a little fun with someone else... as long as that someone else doesn't become exclusive and pushes me out of the picture, it's good. now, naturally, i would expect the same thing in return. yet, i feel guilty NOW for even considering amber. and we arent even TOGETHER for goodness sakes. if she doesn't want me showing any interest in anyone else, why doesn't she say so and then we can be together and i'll be happy with that. then i won't have to think "should i or shouldn't i" about amber or anyone.

oh well. it doesn't really matter. i think that if anything just happens to happen with amber... some "fun" if you will, so be it... if not, i'm not going to pursue it. question is... if it happens.. do i tell liz... or keep it quiet? i wouldn't LIE to her, i can say that much. but... would i be expected to bring it up? but it would sound stupid. say for example, she asks what's new or something and i go "well, i made out with amber today" i dont know...that just seems to be kinda like "oookay, thanks for being so honest there" but if i wait till it seems more appropriate to bring it up then it'll be like "and when were you planning on telling me about this?" and if i don't bring it up at all i just feel guilty and wrong and yeah.

i can tell you right now that chances are nothing will happen with amber... maybe we'll kiss or something, but nothing more will happen because anything more i fear is bound to push liz away and i get the feeling that i'm closer now than i've ever been to having SOMETHING there... not saying that... well... it's just closer than ever before. not there yet. it all depends on how she means things that can be interpreted a number of ways.

but since ari isn't over-analysing things anymore, it doesn't matter how she means it. ari is just enjoying what she does get and taking it for what it's worth. a hug is a hug. a kiss is a kiss. a slap is a slap. a fuck is a fuck. and so on. no, i haven't gotten all those from her, actually i've only gotten one of them, but i'm just making a point. i don't think about things that happen and think about "hmm..that could mean this this or this" and then hurt my little brain trying to figure out which one it is... instead i just... i feel. YES! i've done it! i've stopped being so analytical and started just FEELING. no thinking. haha, sweet!

no..i couldn't do anything with amber. i love liz. i can't take the risk of getting her mad or jealous or upset or have her pull back or anything. but maybe if i played around with amber, she'd think, 'oh wow i guess she's not gonna just wait for me forever' and would come after me... although that seems unlikely. i can see her just going "fine, if you wanna have your fun with amber, go ahead, have your fun, see if i care" and then i'd go, nearly in tears "but... but... but liz. i love YOU." and she'd go "whatever" and i'd be hurt.

so. no. no amber. no one. i don't want anyone but liz. hmm... what if me showing interest in amber would make her jealous and then afterwards make her want me more and then it works to my advantage? am i willing to take that risk? probably not. because i get the feeling that it wouldn't be like that.

man. i can't believe what i am saying. if fooling around with amber will make liz want me more, i'll do it, if it'll push her away i won't. that's kinda bad. that all i'm using amber in my mind right now as is a means to get liz to want me.

you know what? maybe i should just listen to my heart. it's screaming at me not to do anything with amber. it finds happiness in liz. but then the horny lil me is thinking, but damn, i'd love to fool around with amber. but my heart wins. amber loses.

and..to add now (i wrote the little blurb hours before this paragraph)..i've been talking with liz..which actually got me to think about amber, not in terms of liz. which made it all that much clearer that amber = no. and not that liz said "don't do anything with amber" and i thought "okay, liz told me not to so i won't"... no no. we just talked... and i actually looked at it the way i should have originally... and there is no reason for me to do anything. i find her somewhat attractive, but since when is that good enough reason to go after someone? especially with me? never, exactly. so, this little "dilemma" is no more.

***

the only part of my emotions attached to amber are the fact that i kinda liked her a year ago... and those mean pretty much zip. all other emotions are against it...emotions towards both her and liz. i can smell liz right now. her smell. i remember it clearly. i'm getting all foolishly emotional again. back to my stupid "oh i wish i could hold her" it's annoying me.can't i ever stop bitching? someone should just slap me and say, NO, you stupid little bitch, you're never going to hold her! now bug off! and then i'd cry. i'm such a pussy. such a little loser. why am i getting back to being so... anti-me? bah. this isn't me typing. this doesn't feel like me. what feels like me is being consumed by my thoughts... i feel like i need to wash it all away and start fresh. wash what away? the really... pathetic-like longing thoughts. i wish i could see her all the time. that way i wouldn't have time to think. i'd just be happy happy happy. may i never let anyone's eyes cross this pathetic little blurb. i seem so... this isn't what i'm saying; it's not me at all.

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and there ya go... 3 little blurbs written throughout the day... with me adding more to the first two.. i'm done now. bye.

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