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oh god. oh god. oh GOD.

no.

instead of my feelings staying steady or settling down... i feel like i'm... i'm at the top. i love her now more than i ever have. and i just wish i could... ahhh. have her here with me. in my arms. and just... caress her cheek... kiss her neck... feel her lips...

*lets out a deep sigh*

why?? why do i care this much? why can't i get her smell out of my head? i swear, today at the awards at school (honours assembly), josh (anstett) was sitting beside me, and i'm pretty sure he had her scent. it drives me crazy. i can't go longer than a few minutes without thinking about her. missing her.

it feels like... like... there's an emotional build-up in my chest.. and that it's really close to being released through tears. and i don't know why. i'm not SAD. i'm just very... emotional. i've been like this for the past little bit.

*sighs* why is she so incredible? why is she the most amazing person i have ever met? why do i continue to hope that one day she WILL be with me?

why why why...

why can't i be holding her? why can't i just fall asleep with her?

*sighs*

why.

why.

why.

why.

why.

....

why.

i feel like punching something... just kicking and screaming... why does she do this to me?

ughhh... i just want to be holding her really close.. holding onto her tightly... and just stay like that... fall asleep like that.

i always have a weird anxious feeling going on inside me... it only disappears around her.

there are so many things i have that i'd give up instantaneously for her... so many things i wouldn't want just so i could have her... there isn't much in my life that i wouldn't sacrifice for her. and i'm not so sure that this is something to be portraying in a POSITIVE light, since i doubt it's very good or healthy.

i keep trying not to THINK... just to go with things... and it works fine when i'm WITH her... but then the countless days i don't see her... thinking about it is ALL i do.

god. i need to stop this. she can't do this to me. why does she? but i don't want this to stop. i WANT to love her. i WANT to keep longing for her. i WANT to think about her. i just...

i also want to be able to freely love her and hold her and just...not have to go through the uncertainty.... through the...

i don't know. i can't think clearly. my thoughts are getting kind of jumbled up. tired.

yet...she's probably gonne be coming online later tonight..i want to talk to her. i haven't talked to her all that much over the past few days... i want to talk to her whenever i have the chance.

all the little things about her are so...incredible. so amazing. so wonderful. so perfect. her dorkiness is perfect. her pissy-ness is perfect. her moments of confusion are perfect. all her little imperfections...

perfect.

and if anyone doesn't know her, i'm sure i'm hyping her up so much that they'd be thoroughly disappointed if they met her, but i don't care. this is who she is in my eyes. and that's the only perspective that matters to me.

she could be the most loved or most hated person on earth, or anywhere inbetween, i wouldn't care. all i care about is what she means to me and to me she is... the best thing i could ever ask for.

i don't think anyone can understand just how happy i am to be able to call her my friend. to be able to talk to her. tell her my thoughts. just sit with her. spend time with her. have fun with her. (don't be thinking sick, anyone whose mind wanders into the gutter frequently *cough*sid*cough*)...

*sighs* i can't continue describing this. each time i say something i feel like i haven't done my feelings justice with the words and so i continue on and on... i could do that forever. i don't think words will ever be satisfactory to describe this. so let's just leave it...

the only words that might speak in understandable terms... in full effect... are "i love her". but there's so much behind those words...

it's like those words are tree branches... and that's all you see... but then when you clear the branches and look what's behind them... you suddenly see this amazing, beautiful, tropical paradise... and the beauty of it goes on infinitely and it's breathtaking and you can never put it into words because the emotions you feel when you're in this paradise are ones that can't be described by words; they have to be felt.

that's how i feel about her. that's the best that i can describe it in words.... but as i just said... it has to be felt.

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