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ugh. so worn out. nasty feeling. i can't describe it. and i feel like i definitely need to revamp my site - so... dark. the place i come to escape the nasty feelings - and it makes it worse...well not worse, just not any better...

i'm not feeling the black/green combo anymore..

*sighs* why do i feel like... like nearly everyone is better than me? just... either cooler hipper or smarter or more imaginative... just better.

reading stef's livejournal thingymabob... i'm thinking..wow, i'm such a loser.

failing the algebra exam (or well getting pretty much dead around the passing area...49%) makes me feel like, wow i'm dumb. uhm. yeah.

i just feel so... unworthy of life. and then i feel horrible that i'm being such a stupid little fucked up teenager acting all "my life sucks". so typical. i don't want to do that...

i don't want to live like this..

i hate this world. it's...impossible.

i hate how... words are.. useless for me in a way almost. i find that when i'm THINKING... it's not like i... use words. i use... i don't know... THOUGHTS. which consist of not words, but instincts/emotions.. or just.. kind of.. i THINK something without forming the word. think of say if you didn't know any LANGUAGE you'd still have some SENSE of your thoughts and views on things you just wouldn't be able to communicate them to anyone or anything... that's how i think. and then when i DO try to transfer that into actual words, i feel like i fail miserably.

i feel like i can't do anything right. i'm never satisfied with what i do. anything. never good enough. gotta do better gotta do better, can't seem to get there. it's like my mind is locked in a place.. and im trying to push it further..it's like i SEE a place i want it to go ...it's like a hill. and i can SEE the peak..the top, but just... NOT QUITE THERE. ever. with anything... rarely i'll get a little TASTE of it..and my mind will go "there, i've gotten over the top of the hill" and it'll be great... but that's really really rare.

the world. stupid world. what is the point? what do i like? who am i? why does nothing feel real? almost nothing. today i felt so literally removed. more than ever. i was.. just sitting.. and i was looking at my surroundings..taking them in... yet... i felt like i was CERTAIN that none of it was real.

i could weep. i feel i need to. i feel sick. and i think that would make it better. and i can't bring myself to study..makes me feel even worse..

i nearly cried yesterday when i was watching tv. it was.. when i was talking to my mom..then i was just watching tv... not really paying attention to it..and i could feel that i was ALMOST crying... the one person who opposes me most is the one i need most.

i'm so dependent. so childish. so... i hate losing confidence like this.

there IS another side to me... a side that seems to think that there isn't a lot wrong with me. that if people would actually take the time and let me, i could be anything. because... i.. if i like the person... i feel like.. i won't ever do that person wrong. ever. not purposely. i don't reveal this side of me. ever. makes me sound self-centred. but now that i've just revealed the down/unconfident side..why not reveal this one?

i don't know..i'll often just be.. i'll think.. i'll feel like i.. i'm not worse than anyone else. in fact that i'm better than most people.. like... like i.. hmm... hard to put into words again. i don't know almost that, if you can grasp someone being perfect with their faults included... like... sure, there's certain little things you won't do totally right... but.. that essentially... at your core... you don't have any true...flaws. and boy oh boy, does THAT ever sound conceited. and that isn't exactly..well it's sort of what i'm meaning to say...

let's think of an example..example..hmm... *laughs* i'm just foolish. because...well.. look at it like this.. generally, if i for some reason or another have some sort of relationship with a person (i'm not talking just romantic relationship..i mean ANY kind of relationship two people have..) i will generally take their word for things..i mean, surely, i don't RELY on their words being the truth.. but i have faith in people...and if i don't have reason not to, i'll generally believe them... and it works in reverse... i'll be honest and open with people unless they provide me with a damn good reason not to be. i generally don't lie to people...

instances i have lied:
various things to parents where i think they'd overreact for no reason or am just doing something to benefit me or someone else and hurt no one... i think i'm an okay judge of when to and not to lie to them...
teachers..when i for one reason or another would be hurt (marks-wise or something) if i didn't lie... usually just your typical little stories... but i generally don't lie to them..rarely does it happen...
hmm..i suppose i've every now and then given the odd compliment where maybe i've been more generous than i feel inside.. or whatever...

so...i guess... i lie in order to either prevent hurting someone...or to benefit something and not harm anything else while at it... and i do feel bad for some of the things: teachers, and lying to my parents about things i wish i wouldn't have to lie to them about... *sighs*

i'm so tired. see. okay. this entry was fine until i let myself..get... so... over-analytical of a little point...

life. life life. boy do i hate it now... i'm just tired... i can't take a lot, can i... a little series of blows comes my way and i get all "oh, i don't wanna live, i just wanna cry, oh, look at me, i'm such a poor little teen, please pity me". i wanna slap myself. i've brought myself into the stupid pile of shit i'm in..well one of the piles.. the other is just stupid. stupid stupid stupid.

and now... i need a release... matt good. that's my "release" music. by release i mean crying. so afterwards i'll feel better and i'll be able to study and it'll all be fine.

so now.. let's find that cd..BUT FIRST..i need a drink. mmm...good ole iced tea. now the cd.

*sighs* i wanna see if i can just type..without thinking..er well..without thinking about what i'm about to type..just type type type..

i really don't know who i am. at all. i suppose most people don't. but i don't care about most people. lol. yes. i'm evil. no. i just..it's natural to think about who you are... and i'm no different... why do i cover-up... i.. i get down..and around people i'll cover it up by trying to find something amusing and laugh... you know try to be my "silly self"... to cover up what's undearneath... "it's okay to be their disappointment" is what matt good just sang...that's not true. i ..today i was thinking...... okay... so here's the nice little world...and i mentioned how i felt like i was certain that it isn't real... so i thought... i can do ANYTHING i want... anything at all..what difference will it make... the worst that could happen is i can die... wow... nice... game over... big deal..so what? i mean... who cares, right? everyone dies... no one's death is less or more important than mine... so mine, like everyone's is pretty insignificant... and i mean... since it's so...unreal... anything i do doesn't matter because it isn't real anyway. nothing seems that bad when you think that nothing is real... and then i'm thinking now... if i did actually do that (which i couldn't of course because... well... stef said it best in HER journal (odd that i read that after thinking about this earlier today).. we all play the game..)..if i actually could stop caring about any consequences or opinions or whatever.... what would i do... what would i WANT... i mean.. there's a number of things but... hmm...i find my mind again drifting to my little utopian world where i am the queen (lol no not really but - whatever)... where basically every wish i have comes true... and everything goes my way and everything is perfect and everyone is happy with that... but that isn't where i wanted my mind to go..

uhm...*exhales*..*rubs eye*... this is so exhausting. life. or just being tired? not sleeping enough? *rests head on desk* i'm going to type like this... i'm not even looking at the screen..i expect many typos... my face is sort of in the way of one of my fingers... (index on right hand...)

here by my side... nothing... below me...keys... fingers... *sighs*... i don't want to live in this world. not a world like this... i want to get away... this is a different kind of get away.. i don't want my little fake paradise which i used to think of before when i'd think of "getting away from life".. i mean... i dont know what i mean. do i ever? doesn't seem like it.

why is there one thing that kind of... my mind stops at after the thoughts such as "i don't want to live. who cares. i don't have much to lose"...... one thing. i don't want it to be like this. i want to have more to live for than SOMEONE. well i do... but i mean... my non-SERIOUS thoughts of... i hate life... the same thing stops those thoughts each time... no. why??? i mean... i never really mean that i hate life..or don't want to live. why? because life is what i know and for some reason or another people seem to have this fear of the unknown. and i'm a person soo..yeah... uhm. but yeah... i'll get my non-real "i don't want to live" thoughts... and then i'll think "oh..but then i can't ever have anything at all with her ever...never see her again" and... well that just stops it until the thought shortly pops up again... and of course all this "thinking" doesn't even..it isn't CLEAR and nicely-constructed like this... it all just kind of HAPPENS... nearly instantaneously it seems i think the original thought and its counter-part... and new thoughts and so on...

oh..and im not typing head-down any more..haven't been for the last little bit...

i don't want to be human. how do i even exist? why should i of all people exist? i feel like i don't belong here. pointless i feel.

"everybody is the same" - says stephen... if this is true..and it sort of is..i think we should all be dead... if everyone is anything like me then none of us deserve to be alive... who the HELL am i to be here... why am i here. i sound so.. questions that EVERYONE asks and knows there is no answer to them. so. like everyone else.

god. everyone is always so..."oh look i'm being myself. only i sound sort of like nearly everyone else who is also being him/herself" and yeah, i'll say it..i'm being myself... but none of us are much different from each other... myself isn't too different from yourself or hisself or herself...

"one foot in front of the other" sings matt good... and that's all...that's all it takes.. to keep going... and...we keep going..i keep going... i don't want to keep going (note what thought crossed my mind as i started typing that to counter it... yup "her")...

"we're ruined" we're all ruined. i'm ruined... you're all ruined..they're all ruined... you think you're worth something? you matter? think twice. i... mean... nothing. i am certain nothing is real. there is no way i can be here... exist. it can't be real. nothing is.

i'm certain i'll change my little thoughts as this mood passes... but... i don't care. i really don't. life. matters not.

YES YES YES YES YES!!!!! i've done it!!! i've talked! openly! completely!!!!!!!! my mind. opened. my thoughts revealed better than they ever have been to anyone..myself included...and i've managed to overcome my... not WANTING to care about something because i feel it doesn't matter, but having to because of some reason or another..i've gotten to the point where i don't HAVE to care... i DON'T care... a GOOD i don't care. i care about life. life life. MY life. what i mean is...i'll post an online conversation i just had... (i'm 3LDLS....)

[22:38:51] Shadowman [7LDLS]: I should be dead, by all rights.

[22:39:01] 3LDLS // 8 days! // I was officially S C R E W E D ! ! ! // the world is slowly collapsing: wow, you sound like me sort of

[22:39:03] Steve: I think my tiled background is getting to me...

[22:39:09] Steve: :P Everybody is the same!

[22:39:16] Steve: Everybody is different!

[22:39:28] Steve: They're just the same in different ways...

[22:40:29] Steve: *ugh* Ever have one of those moments where you look back and say "Damn, if I tried I might be worth something?"

[22:41:31] Ari: i don't know. i feel like i can never be worth anything in this moment, so ask another time.

[22:43:36] Steve: Value is relative... I mean, hell, I feel that I'm never going to be loved, and that I've got a heart that's about as cold as an iceburg... anyways, screw relationships. I've been hurt before, and if somebody wants one with me for some reason, they're going to have to prove it first, but I'm not going to love anybody for a long long long long time...

[22:44:55] Ari: *sighs* that's fine. do what you feel is right... nothing for anyone else. only what you feel matters... be conceited. everyone else is. it's normal - - it just has a negative connotation.

[22:45:12] Ari: don't ask anything. i'm just... in an odd odd mood

[22:45:47] Steve: Yeah... being conceited is the only way to go, isn't it? I mean, sometimes I feel arrogant, and then people seem to like me MORE, and I wonder what the hell is up with that...

[22:46:23] Steve: *sighs* There once was a time where I tried to be considerate, but all that happened is I got flattened by the herds of people who wanted somebody to use.

[22:47:21] Steve: *laughs* I'm in an odd mood too... I think exams do this to people.

[22:47:34] Ari: probably...

[22:47:41] Steve: But... not everything is bad. Hell, we should be glad! We're smart!

[22:47:48] Ari: and being tired... and just... the world. i'm not smart.

[22:48:05] Ari: what do i know? nothing really.

[22:48:09] Steve: Sure you are. Hell, you've probably beaten me on every Calculus test all year.

[22:48:14] Steve: And, none of us KNOW anything!

[22:48:24] Ari: i don't even know who i am let alone anything more important.

[22:48:45] Steve: You can't analyze yourself anymore than a mirror can look at itself to get a definite image...

[22:48:56] Ari: calculus... wow... so i know how to manipulate little numbers and equations how people tell me to. wow. big fucking deal.

[22:48:58] Steve: It just goes on and on and on and on...

[22:49:40] Steve: *shrugs* Calculus can be used to optimize, which in turn can make the difference between providing food for 20000 starving people or 25000 starving people.

[22:50:00] Ari: i don't care. they'll die anyway. sooner or later.

[22:50:21] Steve: We are not smart in comparison to the leaders in the fields, of course. And, if you want to look at eternity, just give up. Eternity doesn't matter.

[22:50:37] Ari: exactly. that's how i feel. give up. die.

[22:50:38] Steve: If we all die eventually, should we just kill ourselves now?

[22:50:42] Ari: we should

[22:50:42] Steve: That's silly.

[22:50:52] Ari: why?

[22:51:01] Ari: what is going to be OH SO GREAT that i should wait to die later?

[22:51:23] Steve: Ok. How about this? When you die, and everybody else doesn't, what about how your family feels concerning your death? What about your friends?

[22:51:28] Ari: what does it all end up being? memories? wow. big fucking deal. i'll die. where are those memories gonna go then??

[22:51:34] Steve: What about the people at school, some of whom you don't even know?

[22:51:36] Ari: they'll die sometime too.

[22:51:57] Steve: *sighs* So, slow it down as much as you can, if you see it as something that bad

[22:52:21] Ari: slow down what?

[22:52:43] Steve: Death? Despair? Anything you deem as the end.

[22:53:04] Ari: why? why slow it down? what is the purpose of slowing it down? what will that accomplish?

[22:53:17] Steve: It was the tempter's purpose to thwart the divine plan in man's creation, and fill the earth with woe and desolation. And he would point to all this evil as the result of God's work in creating man.

[22:53:47] Ari: i mean..isn't THAT the purpose of anything you ever do? get to the end of it... when you're doing your nice little calculus problems..you want to get to the END, the solution!... well... hey... think of life as a calculus problem and death is the end..the solution... the answer...

[22:54:04] Steve: Well, let's say you get to what you call the end or the answer

[22:54:10] Steve: Then you take the problem a step farther.

[22:54:13] Steve: What if we also...

[22:54:20] Ari: what step farther?

[22:54:54] Steve: *sighs* It depends on the problem, doesn't it? Perhaps there's patterns that are stretched out across entire regions of space the size of galaxies that can grant us infinite resources?

[22:55:06] Steve: Suppose we come up with chemical formulae to allow us to live forever?

[22:55:13] Steve: It's a possibility that we will not die.

[22:55:24] Ari: what if - what if it's not real? it seems impossible for anything to be real it seems to me.

[22:55:29] Steve: Minute, and seemingly infintesimally small, but we might.

[22:56:19] Ari: the only thing that signifies reality to me is the fact that i FEEL. aside from that i seem to have lost all grasp of reality.

[22:56:21] Steve: *shrugs* Sure. After all, we're connected in a limited interface to the world as is. We have to abide by certain rules at the moment, because of the limitations of our bodies and our brain.

[22:56:24] Ari: the existence of it.

[22:56:59] Steve: *shrugs* What do you want to do? Feel pain? That always ties you to reality...

[22:57:16] Steve: Whenever you feel pain, you want to survive. Why? It's instinct.

[22:57:44] Steve: If you're ranting about how we might as well die, you might as well realize that however much choice you THINK you have, it's a hell of a lot smaller.

[22:57:49] Steve: You're biochemically wired to live.

[22:57:55] Ari: yes. that's precisely it. see...i just thought... okay reality doesn't exist.then say if you like... cut yourself...it won't matter...it's not real.. but then i think, but wait, it would hurt..i don't want that. i want to live.

[22:58:29] Ari: but i don't WANT to live. but i instinctively want to survive. why? i don't want this.

[22:58:40] Steve: Suppose reality doesn't exist. Then you're not thinking.

[22:59:26] Ari: what am i doing? nothing. idon't exist. then exactly..nothing DOES matter and me responding to it...wanting to survive..is simply me abiding by the rules..the rules of the game. if that's what you want to call it.

[22:59:36] Steve: Do you enjoy having fun?

[22:59:40] Ari: sure.

[22:59:47] Steve: Then, if nothing matters, do what you enjoy.

[23:00:26] Ari: yeah. but then see..that would require not going by all the rules of the game (i'm not talking legal stuff here.. just... in life generally) and then... i can't do that. i'm not that brave.

[23:01:11] Steve: Well, do you enjoy being "not that brave"

[23:01:19] Ari: NO

[23:01:39] Steve: Does your lack of bravery matter? Is it tangible -- something that cannot be changed?

[23:01:58] Ari: cornered trapped. i WANT to break out. but i simply can't seem to be capable of breaking away...

[23:02:11] Steve: *shrugs* Ok. As long as you see where I sit.

[23:02:28] Steve: I'm just in the middle of the room right now, fighting boredom for fun.

[23:02:55] Steve: Do you think I have the bravery to be who I want to be?

[23:03:03] Ari: no. i don't think anyone does.

[23:03:44] Ari: we all stick by the system. even those who appear not to... they do..just a little less than the others maybe...

[23:03:53] Steve: What system?

[23:03:55] Steve: Law?

[23:03:56] Ari: life.

[23:04:07] Steve: Who cares. What do you know other than the system?

[23:04:07] Ari: and i don't mean LIVING vs. not living..

[23:04:15] Ari: nothing. but i don't want the system.

[23:04:38] Steve: Yet... you don't want nothing?

[23:04:58] Ari: i dont want to be part of the system... i want... my OWN self. not everyone else's.. not the world's.

[23:05:12] Steve: *shrugs* Well, that's up to you, isn't it?

[23:05:16] Steve: And that's the tricky part.

[23:05:44] Ari: no. it isn't though.. because... i'm... i feel like i have a small part of me that's mine and mine alone. and you're listening to it.

[23:06:27] Steve: Am I my own self? Sometimes. I leave gatherings often without notice -- nobody understands why.

[23:06:44] Steve: NOTE: DO NOT TAKE WHAT I SAY ABOUT MYSELF AS PERMANENT. IT IS VERY TEMPORARY.

[23:06:47] Ari: no. nothing that you do is your own self.

[23:06:55] Ari: yes i know, nothing is permanent.

[23:07:11] Steve: Yet, if I go out of a gathering off on my own into the forest for hours on end, can't I catch a glimpse of myself?

[23:07:43] Ari: maybe. small part. that part is in your mind. it doesn't leave. because the system doesn't let you. i'm starting to sound awfully 1984-ish now.

[23:08:04] Steve: Ah! But I forget for a moment. I take off my shoes, and let my feet sink into the mud...

[23:08:22] Ari: i don't. i don't do that. you're more your own than i am my own.

[23:08:39] Steve: Who is their own? Lots of people think that they're on their own.

[23:10:00] Steve: (Yes... I am very much on my own. I am the only source of my motivation... however, I still do depend on my parents for survival.)

[23:10:16] Ari: not on their own. their own. not mine. not yours. not the systems. just one's own. when you get that. that's free.. right. and that's the only free i want... and i seem either too afraid or something... and so.. i stick to it.. don't break free... other than late at night like this... alone... in my head. i DO nothing that makes me my own. and no i don't mean that..

[23:10:19] Ari: at all.

[23:10:50] Steve: *shrugs* I used to cry every night before I went to sleep.

[23:11:21] Steve: Remember how I almost broke down in December, right in the middle of class?

[23:11:28] Ari: that's fine..i mean...PERSONALLY..who you ARE... you AREN'T your own person. you don't OWN yourself. well, you seem to more than i do..but there's the small fraction inside some of our minds that's our own... and... some...very few...of us.. put those small parts of us into some sort of action of our own..(eg your example of mud..and forgetting)... and then. then you own yourself for that moment. i want that.

[23:11:31] Ari: yeah

[23:12:00] Steve: *shrugs* I can't show you that, obviously. I can TRY, but that isn't the same thing, is it?

[23:12:04] Steve: Then you're not on your own.

[23:12:08] Ari: no you can't..

[23:12:10] Ari: no one can

[23:12:11] Ari: i can

[23:12:22] Steve: Then do it! What is it you want to do first?

[23:13:02] Steve: Go to Toronto?

[23:13:25] Ari: i don't KNOW... i can't THINK about it... PLAN it.. it just kind of has to be a ... feeling of the moment. and just DOING it. and i'm not even talking about... nothing like most people would do when they would see some comment like this... it's more of a self thing..personal little tiny freedom.... and i don't know where i'd find it.

[23:13:52] Steve: *shrugs* You'll find it eventually.

[23:14:17] Ari: think your little comment about forgetting it for a moment..letting your feet sink into the mud... i want THAT moment. where i can be myself. that's all.

[23:15:04] Steve: *grins* You really are going to have to go for a walk with me in the forest sometime... even if one other person is around, it is SO much closer to yourself than the city.

[23:15:19] Steve: No rules: You don't have to stick to the sidewalk! You don't have to watch for cars!

[23:15:31] Steve: Forward, left, right, back! UP or DOWN even! Whatever you want!

[23:16:14] Steve: What time are you supposed to be picked up at my place tomorrow?

[23:16:41] Ari: yeah... *sighs* *smiles* i like the sound of this. at 3:45..

[23:16:49] Steve: Ok. When does the Data exam end?

[23:16:52] Ari: 2:30

[23:17:04] Steve: :D Excellent!

[23:17:50] Steve: So, after the exam, we go for a walk, okay?

[23:17:55] Steve: or run, or skip, or jump,

[23:17:56] Ari: sounds perfect.

[23:18:00] Steve: or just sit on a log...

[23:18:07] Ari: anything at all... nice.

[23:18:15] Steve: Exactly.

i like this... this was me. a REAL conversation... by ME... not "me"... ME. that was me. that's my thoughts..really truly part of my own self...so now i feel good.

THAT was the best release... better than tears (although they did surface at one point...)

so yes... now i go to bed... haven't studied for tomorrows exams... of course english i wasnt GOING to STUDY for... and data...is data. lol...that's all that needs to be said. i'll be fine (i think/hope). no i KNOW i'll be fine.

well now that i feel really good but tired..i'm gonna go to bed...

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