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I missed a day!!! *sobs* 20 consecutive days of updating, and now i miss a day. that's not fair!!! why did i forget yesterday?? oh yeah, i was working on my schedule for next year.... and was literally falling asleep so i went to bed...the journal didn't even CROSS my mind... hey you know what...... no. i was going to post my possible schedules. let's not do that.

so you know what i plan to do? enroll myself in "math and arts" for first term. then after that, if my opinion hasn't changed, i am forgetting math. doing pure arts. mm...sounds like paradise. i was looking like..i listed my courses for term 1: "algebra/calculus/computer science/psychology/philosophy" then i list them for term 2 if i stay in math (the first 3 stay the same, and then i take 2 different arts courses). then i list my courses for term 2 if i bail out of math... FIVE arts courses! i looked at that and i thought, oooh god, how i'd love to have that schedule. take like, 5 out of eng/german/phil/women's studies/smf/psych... so many options. so many wonderful options i'd love to do... algebra/calculus/statistics/CS - not very pleasant-sounding to me right now... there's a few upper year courses that sound a bit more interesting... they sound more like philosophy in a way... so if i just DO philosophy instead, i'm not missing out on much. ah. i'm almost certain i'll be dropping the maths next term... and i'll justify it too..i'll make sure to do well in both. but i can tell my parents that i want to do something i love... and that just isn't math. it is in the arts... and it won't be a lie, if i do decide to do that. it's just that...for first term..it's as if i'm giving math one last chance, for my parents. and if i do discover that i do love it, great, i didn't do anything stupid. if i don't, then big deal, it doesn't hurt me to have taken maths for one term.

anyhoo. yeah..i've been so...caught up in thoughts about school..both current and university... that... i... that's all i've been thinking about.

i feel like i have managed to somehow turn off most of my brain, other than the "school thoughts" part. not completely. but almost. let's put it this way - usually, most of the time, i'm thinking about my FEELINGS and HER and so on and so forth. now, yes, it crosses my mind....... but not as much. not NEARLY as much.... today. i... sort of got STUPID feelings back....

by stupid i mean... umm.. those feelings where i'm being killed. lol. um. no. that sounds wrong. not killed. just... emotionally killed. (see way back when i used to always just blab about this kind of emotion... i'd say this was..a few months ago)... anyhoo. um. yeah. i don't know.....

i started typing something... sort of like an e-mail i'll never send.... i'll paste what i wrote and continue typing it in here... and will most likely cut it out... i don't need everyone reading it... but, here it is:

i'm not going to be sending this.... because i just. probably shouldn't....

i just...want to tell you how i feel...and what you mean to me...

i love you. you mean everything. the end. lol. no jk.

*sighs* you do two things to me very often - fill me with infinite joy and tear me to pieces....

i feel an endless love for you.... i feel... i feel as though i would wait... a lifetime if necessary for you.... i sincerely doubt i'll ever truly stop loving you. you are so.... so great to me... an amazing friend... always make me smile...and you just... i would love to be able to hold you....kiss you....

you want simple. what i dont understand is... why can't it be simple? maybe i don't see things clearly enough but.... i think it could be SO simple. what would change? i don't think much would... really. i honestly can't see what would change if we were... "together". it would be the same... with a few little add-ons that i personally can't see making anything more or less complicated. you mentioned not wanting "deep"... well for me i suppose things already ARE deep.... hmm..maybe that would be the bad part?? me being "deep", you not??? i don't know...

i just... i know that... i'll be here. if you need to run away, do something else, whatever, when you come back, i'll still be here. i'm never leaving. *looks down* i just wrote a whole essay (yesterday) contradicting what i just said. yes. i sound like gatsby. and in my essay i'm saying we need to learn from him and not be like that. and then what do i do? do what i said we shouldn't.

but i feel like i cannot, that it is impossible for me to sit here and say "i might not always be here." and mean it. i would feel like i'm lying. yet the logical/realistic part of me seems to say that it isn't very likely that i would really be here after a long long time if nothing went on. yet i FEEL like i would. and so i'm going to say i would.

hmm... i feel like i have almost everything i want. i mean, with regards to all this. except one thing... those "add-ons"... that's all... no, i'm not asking for some, perfect little, picture-esque "i love you, you are the most important thing in my life. you are the only one i'll ever want" type of relationship (ironically, that is practically what i seem to be saying from my own prespective here though - almost - - not as extreme). i expect nothing. and boy am i ever grateful for the friendship i do have. but... do you not... *sighs* is that all you ever feel/want? with me? no attraction? no wanting to be more intimate? stop at pure friendship, don't step over the line?

now i feel like not typing TO her anymore...... rather just writing my thoughts.... um yeah. she talks about beautiful girls... and wanting this one and that one and.... i feel like... why won't you want me? what is WRONG with me? hmm... im not some pretty-girl. is that it? maybe that's it. that's shallow. and now i feel like i'm beginning to be greedy again. actually, i really DON'T want much else. i AM happy with the current state of things. i WOULD be happier with more. but that's about the extent of it all.

a-a-a-aaaanyhoo. um. yeah.

now i feel good. really good. she's... just... amazing. i have this weird little feeling inside... that i can't put into any words other than.... pure... and/or...love.... and it's putting a tiny little smile on my face.

liz is going to be leaving now. that sucks. but that's okay i guess. i can't be hogging her. other people deserve to experience her greatness too =P

people often bug me. not her. most people tend to bug me every now and then. not her. sid rarely bugs me. merlita rarely bugs me. but liz bugs me least of all. then sid. then meli. then anyone else.

anyway..i should get this baby up.. enough babble. off i go...

i think i wanna either a) study for calculus (exam monday) or b) design a fun little program.... hmm..i know that if i start b) i'll end up staying up late playing around with something that won't work and so on and so forth... but it may help to brush up on my programming skills for next year..... but i do have an exam monday. i have an entire summer to brush up on my programming... calculus it is.

ooooff i goo. (yes, OOff i gOO. ooff, like "poof" without the "p", and goo, like "good" without the "d" lol.) yes, ooff i goo. and say it in a sing-song voice, and it sounds like some weird language! hehehe. i'm such a dork. ooff i goo for real now.

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