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monday. june 16th. almost 8pm.

ah. so ari has been pretty negligent here... haven't been posting much nowadays... oh well. such is life. so let's see... i last posted on the 13th... that was..friday... so we have sat. and sun. missing... wow.

okay... well i don't remember much of saturday... hmm.. what did ari do saturday? *thinks* damn you brain, think think th- oooh. okay. i remember i went to look for glasses/sunglasses with my parents... came back home..uhmmm... i don't think i did much after that... sat around on the computer... then i played my drums...let out some sort of rage..no not rage...actttually, i remember clearly thinking how much i miss liz.... i remember clearly being brought to near-tears because i miss her.... and then i just kinda wanted to release it but not through tears... instead through some mad-crazy drumming. that got me in a better mood.

lol linking sort of to today... after my calcumulus exam (i've been using my "m" stuff recently again), i was on the bus, on my way to take care of some stuff at the university... and i was feeling good about the exam -- knew everything but 2 questions which i did partly...and one tiny wittle thing on another question... STILL can't figure out why i didn't get it right. it HAS to be right. but it isn't. gah. speaking of which..hold on. i need to check that i have my rules... gah! i WAS right. but i got the wrong answer... howwww.. hold on. ignore me now... let's see... it was y=x^2x^3... so dy/dx= x^2x^3 * 6x^2 * lnx and then... we have... dy/dx= (6x^2x^3+2) * lnx.. then.. dy/dx= (2x^2x^3+2) * 3lnx... and we get dy/dx= (2x^2x^3+2) * ln(x^3).. and that is very close to what i was SUPPOSED to get, which is dy/dx= (2x^2x^3+2) * (ln(x^3) + 1). bah. where is my 1??? why don't i have one?? my answer is flawless i tells ya, flawless!! why does this fail me? i SHOULD be getting the right answer... damn this.

anywaaaayy... as i was saying... i was feeling good about the exam... and so i'm feeling all nice and "yay" and for one reason (or another)..my mind thinks "yay, i love her" as if somehow... feeling good about the exam and my feelings towards her are inseperable. makes no sense. it was like "ahh! that was such a good exam! i love her!" lol.. it was literally that continuous... what is the connection? hmm... maybe just feeling good about the exam automatically connected to something else that makes me feel really good? who knows.

so yes... i love that university. waterloo, that is. so pwettyful. the green trees and the gwass. why am i replacing some of the r's with w's?? me's dumb. anyhoo. yeah... i found my way around just fine *feels proud* i normally SUCK with directions and would have no clue where i am or where i'm supposed to go in NO time... but today i didn't get confused at all... and i barely ever had to glance at my map! and i didn't even KNOW or have BEEN to some of these places before.. i just kinda thought..okay, let's go this way... then you'd see the occasional sign telling you which direction something's in... so i'd orient myself like that and..it was fine! yay me! i don't suck as much with that anymore! wheee! lol.

oooh and i get all my money approved..like, the $2000 scholarship AND the $500 bursary... and sometime or other i'll find out how much osap is giving me too. so my parents won't really have to pay anything for my first year... we'll see how it turns out later on...

so yes. i've talked a bit about saturday...i've talked about today... and we're missing sunday... i wrote a little blurb on it yesterday in bed before heading off to sleep... so i'll glance at that and write about it...

but... alkdsjfewoi... that CALCULUS question. it's not the fact that i got it wrong and will lose a mark... it's just...i don't UNDERSTAND why it doesn't work! okay.. i did it ONE way (the way i did above) and i get one thing.... and if i do it the OTHER way, i get what you're SUPPOSED to get. so, they can't BOTH be right. and i know that the way i didn't do it IS right. but i cannot see why the other method wouldn't give you the same answer!!! hmm... maybe it's the fact that i used a thing where they have a CONSTANT term instead of a variable. but should it still not work? is it still not the same rule? guess not. that must be it. ah. there. i found my mistake. so my mistake wasn't a foolish little error at all... it was simply the completely wrong method. wow. talk about... disappointment. jeez, maybe that won't cost me "a mark".. maybe it'll cost more... oh, dammit! hmm... now i wanna figure out WHY it works with a constant as the base and not with a variable base. probably something simple..i'm gonna check it out... and leave me alone, calculus IS interesting, i don't care what you say. okay so i see where the DIFFERENCE is in if it's a variable and if it's a constant... but i still don't see why that would make you get the wrong answer... makes no sense, i tells ya. so the plan is... take it to dubrick aka calculon tomorrow and let him explain it to me. otherwise it'll bug me till the end of time (not exactly)...

okay. enough on calculus... it was a great course... probably my favourite. i love calculus. yum yum lol. it's the only subject this year that i actually am THAT interested in... writer's craft, english... those i love, but not with this level of interest... algebra... not exactly my preferred math... i don't mind it... data... well, minus the fact that it is far too easy, i can see it being SOMEWHAT interesting at the university level.... then there's chemistry... not my cup of tea... kinda boring... easy...meh... physics...while quite interesting at times... i just don't like it. i like the CONCEPTS..physics is something i want to have someone sit down and TALK to me about... screw the equations, screw all that... just tell me all the interesting stuff... that's why i enjoyed some of the stuff in the light unit, and the relativity unit... even though i failed the light test... but still. it was interesting. i enjoyed some of that stuff... but then the equations and all that..i don't know.. just.. bleh. i didn't enjoy that course. just like chem. so no sciences for me thank you very much. and then guitar... the class i hardly ever did ANYTHING in... learned a little bit of guitar-playing... and that was it. nothing much. can't say i liked it, can't say i didn't. and that, my friends, sums up my evaluation of the courses i've taken this year... so calculus and my englishes i love... my other 2 maths i like. *wipes hands* done.

now... let's go back to the topic of yesterday...sunday. hold on. don't feel like typing right now... computer break..time to study (ha, that's a first...i am taking a BREAK from the computer and going to study!)

tuesday. june 17th. around 2pm.

okay...so i lied..i hadn't taken a break from the computer... instead i talked to sid and liz... and after all the talking... i started writing liz an e-mail, but had to go to bed, so this has been sitting here since last night...

just to say one thing about calculus..i talked to calculon and well... he's not sure what specifically makes it not work... but you'd have to go from first principles to check it out. but yeah, it doesn't work. well, at least i was able to figure it out for myself. took me long enough. yes...

so uh... i couldn't bring myself to study for physics last night... or this morning really... this morning on the bus, instead of studying (like i normally would before an exam if i know i'm screwed for it), i just sat there and thought. and thought. and thought. about her. yes, her. liz.

and i got to school. went off to sit in a corner by myself, by the basement... barely brought myself to do my physics... but i had to because i didn't have my formula sheet done and without it i wouldn't be able to do nearly ANYTHING on the exam... so i made my formula sheet... then i wrote my exam. the multiple choice surprisingly, i seemed to know a lot of the stuff. a few i guessed on if i a) didn't know the answer or b) i wasn't completely sure of the answer... but i think i did decently... and then on the OTHER part...the actual questions... let's put it this way... it was out of 55... i think i might have gotten somewhere between 14 and 19. lol so i'm depending on the multiple choice to pull me up... and i'm sure it will... but either way...i'm likely to have low low 60's in physics now (actually, i'll probably have exactly 60..maybe 61..or MAAAYBE 59)... i had a 69 going into the exam, which is actually tied for lowest mark in high school for me (with grade 9 drama)... but now that it's dropping... it WILL be my lowest mark in high school. such is life. my geometry mark dropped 10%... from 88 to 78... i got 54% on the exam (not 49..he changed our marks..).. data is now 92% (got 84% on the exam...poo. that's pretty bad.) my guess is that i got 93% on the calculus. just my estimate. which would leave my mark the same... aaanyway. i can't seem to shut up about school and marks nowadays. jeez.

i can't think straight. i think my mind needs rest. last night i couldn't stop THINKING in bed either.... eventually fell asleep... hmm..i did get at least 6 hrs of sleep last night..that's not too bad... then about 5-6 the night before... then...7 the night before.. 6 the night before... yeah... i should get a solid 8 sometime shouldn't i... i think i'll go take a nap... but. but. i want to be here when liz gets home from work... so i can either talk to her online or call her.... i want to talk to her. *bangs head* why does she not understand?? here i am, going left and right, telling people with whom the topic has come up, that i could not be with anyone, ANYONE, other than her, BECAUSE of how i feel for her. and she goes and thinks something's "changing"... well, i suppose things are constantly changing. but. not. in. that. sense.

i cried yesterday. i haven't been... paying much attention to emotions recently... (as you can tell by the amount of blabber about school)... and... so.. i'll experience an emotion briefly... not really deal with it or think about it or anything... and keep doing that... and eventually you come to what happened last night. i was faced with emotion... and once i started actually... dealing with it... it came pouring out of my eyes. and i could feel it too... it was like...it was building up... building building... and it reached some sort of a point, and just cracked, and out came the tears.

why? probably more than one reason... but... because i love her... because i miss her... because i am basically saying that i can't (not won't.. incapable of, CANNOT) be with anyone but her... but i'm not with her. and she doesn't seem to realise that i... i don't want anyone other than her. at all. for goodness sakes, months and months of me being so crazy about her isn't about to change just like that... especially not when i feel that i have never loved her more. and it's tearing me.

if i could just know... that.. i'm not just kind of... waiting for nothing... that it might be worthwhile... then i'd be a happy camper. because if i know the wait isn't useless, i'll wait as long as it takes... i'm not even thinking in "a few weeks" or "a month or two"... i'm thinking in terms of...say... a year down the road. if that's how long it takes, i'm prepared to wait that long. i sound like a fool don't i? oh well. what can i do about it?

but yeah.. if she.. if i was to never have any sort of chance... then i'd move on... sometime... it'd take quite some time.. but i'd have to move on. what other choice would i have? but now... with this situation... i wait. because i DON'T know. and i don't want to try and move on so long as there could ever be a chance. hell i wouldn't be ABLE to move on for... at least a few months. i don't know. i've never had to get over someone i've loved before... and i DON'T want to get over her. okay. i'm going to stop this. i think i'm starting to go in circles.

all i'm saying is that... i love her. i'll wait so long as there's ever a chance. if she decides she wants me, i'll be here, if she decides she doesn't.. i'll eventually try and move on. that's about all i can offer. what more is there anyway? it's an unlimited time offer. yes. i now sound like i am selling myself. wow. lol.

okay. so she gets home soon... less than half an hour. i hope i can see her today...if not, tomorrow. it's been far far too long. over 2 weeks. i can't stand not seeing her for so long.

hmm...now on a sort of different, but not REALLY, topic... kait. okay. liz seems to think i like her. i seem to think that i don't even KNOW her and therefore can't really like or dislike her. i'll say this much... i liked hanging out with her on sunday. she's nice.. that's all great... and under different circumstances, i might have ended up interested, who knows..that depends on first off, me knowing her better, and second, more importantly, well, the fact that i can't actually be interested in anyone else. the extent of my interest in anyone during the past... six or so months... has been... "oh, she's cute" or "hey, she's pretty cool" "she's interesting" etc. or with amber, "she's hot. but i don't want to BE with her. should i just go off and have some fun with her?" and to that i decided no.

ahhh there she is. *smiles* liz i mean. online. now i feel all warm and fuzzy. hehe. and no more tiredness. *crosses fingers* me want to seeeeeee her. sooooon. hmm... although maybe i shouldn't tonight... i should study tonight..and tomorrow while she's at work. and then see her tomorrow. (i'm keeping my mom and her crazy thoughts that i'm slacking (me? never =P) in mind)... heeey, why isn't she replying? come on now. really. that's just plain rude. okay. i feel giggly. lol. reply damn you, woman, reply!!

oh, lol she replied and we've been talking... right. but as usual, as soon as liz gets typing, i forget wonderful little windows like this one and direct all attention to her. *giggles* gaaaahh. how can i be feeling this GREAT now???? this isn't right. lol. she's not supposed to make me feel this good. damn her. *shakes fist* ah.

okay. here's the deal. i'll type up what i wrote sunday night about..sunday... and then i'll go study until liz gets back from eating dinner... and then i'll talk to her however long... and then i'll study a bit more... and then i'll go to sleep... (unless she doesn't leave till..nah, she goes to bed pretty early...i'll study after she leaves)... and then tomorrow i have till oh... 5-ish till she comes home... so i'll do some studying before then... and when she comes home hopefully she'll be up for seeing me for a bit. *crosses fingers* and now... off i go to type crap up.

ok. BEFORE i do that (lol i keep thinking of things to write)... yes more school babble. i was looking for the sheet where i wrote about sunday... and then i stopped to look at the two books i bought today. they were selling the old oac math and science textbooks. so i got the calculus and the finite ones... i'll get the algebra one on friday (they only had one copy today)... and man. i can honestly say that i LOVE MATH. *smiles* yup. back to my roots. i started with math being my love, my passion. here we are again. only it's different now. before it was just.. yay i'm good at math. now it's, 'ooh, look, here's stuff i haven't learned in the grade 12 calculus course that the oac's get to learn - i'm going to have FUN with these textbooks this summer!' so yes, i plan to do math this summer. boy am i glad now that i've decided to do math AND arts... this will truly give me a chance to decide... now i don't know which one i'd love more. i don't really. i've gotta figure out which math major involves most calculus though. i love that course. anyhoo... sunday. for real this time...

now. *thinks* should i just type up exactly what i had...or just leave out things like "it's dark so i can't see what i'm writing" lol... oh whatever, who cares... i'll just change it and won't refer to it word for word (ie. instead of "today i went..." i'll type "on sunday i went...")... aaaanyhoo.

K, so, sunday i went to the pride thing in victoria park. twas fun. i went w/ amber. it was kinda boring at first...

at one point, amber and i were holding hands and walking cuz i was "her gf" for the day. right. i swear, she's straight. she seems to do all this just for attention. or something... like, "hey look at me, i'm different. i'm bisexual" oooh. and then goes and fucks some boy. and some other boy. and some other boy. then when he dumps her she whines about wanting a boyfriend and if we say "or girlfriend" she makes a face. meh. who cares. let her do what she wants. chances are i'll never see her again.

we said hi to andrea and renee. then later amber left (so far, it's only been about an hour since we arrived - yeah she left early). so then i just walked around alone. saw mono. talked to her for a couple of minutes then left to wander again. ran into bj rye. talked to her for a minute too. i'd run into ann, renee, kait, bird and that gay boi (can't remember his name) every now and then so eventually i just kind of "joined" them.

kait wanted to wash her feet in the fountain thingy across the bridge... so gay boi, kait and i left. then we sat on a bench near the water and just talked. we got to talking about hair... and kait said she wasn't sure if she should cut it because she wanted to grow it out since she apparently hasn't had it long since she was little... but some people kept telling her to cut it. so then i go "cut it cut it cut it" and later on in our conversation she says that it does bug her and all and yeah, so she says we could go to her place and i could cut her hair. i've never cut ANOYONE's hair before. Naturally, i agree, lol.

so, we go back across the bridge and tell the others that we're leaving (they were originially gonna stay till 8) but they said they'd leave too (it was around 6:30)... so the... 5 of us (renee, ann, kait, bird, me) headed to ann/kait's. did the hair thing in their front yard. sprayed each other with water (they didn't get me much *grins*). yeah... quite interesting. renee ended up leaving shortly after we got there... and then a while later ela came.

ah. not every day do i get to see so many fine queer girls. a fair bit of eye candy in victoria park there was.. and i must say, the 5 i hung out with- not too bad either. nope, not too bad at all. but... i don't think i could go for ANY of them. even if any were interested, i know *i* couldn't go for them. why? because one little grrl stays in my mind. i swear... if i don't end up being w/ her watch me end up just being alone forever because of her. pah. ah girls. gotta love 'em. mmmmm...girls. *drools* lol.

i got this weird little feeling that renee doesn't really like me - i don't know, just a vibe. *shrugs* meh - she just seems like someone i wouldn't get along with very well... don't know why...

and then i wrote that i'm going to sleep "mmm...sleep"

lol. and that is FINALLY that. took me long enough to type it up. wrote it on sun. night..it is now tuesday evening...

so yes... it seems that the recurring thought in my head over the past week or so has been "i cannot be with anyone but liz." it's come up a couple times in conversation with a couple people. it's come up just in my head... in that thing i wrote sunday... yesterday... etc... yup.

anyhoo. i'm going to shut up now. i'm gonna go study until liz gets back from helping her bro study. ah. all's well with the world now. or so it seems for some odd odd reason.

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