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here i am again....

okay, so... let's see now... so, thursday i cut my hair pretty short... ceaser cut... and my mom freaked out over it. "here i was talking about liz seeming like a lesbian, but it seems like our own daughter is." and then went on to say something about how they used to say things about my cousin when he got his mohawk, went all "punk" etc... and now look at me. blah blah blah. i didn't really say anything to that..

mmkay, well it's almost 4pm now... i'm awaiting a phone call from julian. was talking to sasha and kevin just now... trying to find out what time fervid whisper is playing tonight... as usual sasha has no clue about anything lol..

kevin told me that the two people who were supposed to get booze for tonight's party have just bailed on him. i tried calling hans to see if he'd be willing to buy, but no one's home... hmm... maybe julian can. we'll see. that is IF he comes. yeah, i'm waiting for him to call me back cuz he had to see if he can make it or not...

and i wanted to see what time we would be at kevin's cuz i don't know how julian, sid and i would meet up if julian didn't come to the show... and i still don't know. hopefully FW, RU, and TH don't take too too long... hopefully they're near the beginning of the show... we'll see... and maybe julian will wanna come to the show too. man. i really haven't seen him in ages. i've gotta catch up with him. see how he's been doing. that's gonna be great if he can make it... he was an amazing friend..

okay, so here i am... "updating" - - right... i left for the show a little before 5.. and i've come back home just over an hour ago... which was just after 2am... so. show. was good. missed tessa hoffman (she was on first and i had to wait for sid to get off work.. so grrr).. then at 6 fervid whisper played. yum yum. orgasmic music. i took 11 pictures of them (the number i had left on the film)... then rizen underground (hansey-bear!!! hehe) played at 8. goooood stuff.

ooh, and i've noticed that sasha has pretty good taste in girls... amy...meghan.. well that about covers it.. there was amber (yantha..not my friend amber) but *makes a face* no thanks.. and courtney... right. but amy and meghan - - good. oh and i think he was with arielle too. yum. so 3/5 were good. out of the 5 i know he was interested in and/or went out with.

so uh. yeah. show. good. mmhmm... we told hans he could come to kevin's party... and i thought he wouldn't.. cuz i figured..he's going to jake's.. he'll have fun. he won't show. and he showed eventually. me was really happy. me love hans.

so yes. i had a bit to drink and well, i guess as much as i tried to deny it, i was a little drunk... but not very. not very much at all. everything was fine except that i found things a little more funny than usual, and i'd mess up my speech a bit every now and then (eg. "may 2-4 last week" instead of "last year"... or forgetting small bits and pieces of the lyrics to FW songs... and other stuff).. so i guess yeah, i had to have been a little tipsy. but. meh. i drank... well at first i shared the coke/rum mix with stef. but she ended up having it after i had a few sips and i just had my own drink... vodka and coke. had about 2 and a half cups of that... and then a litttle bit of... that stuff that tasted like cinnamon hearts... uhm. after shock? it was good. a little strong - 40% alcohol. but good. only had a little bit of that.

so yes. it was all nice. yeah. so i came there and.. i walk in the basement..and i see someone standing, back to me.. and i'm like, hey that looks like stef..i take a look..and oh my god, it's stef! lol. then i look, and erin lindsay's there. and kevin was obviously there. and then some people i didn't know... i think no one else i know was there at first...

well i mean, sid..but she came with me, so obviously... then later... sarah and crystal came from the show... then even later hans came.

so yes. we were all just you know..sitting around, talking, etc..all that. yeah. conversations primarily revolving around... uhm. school. sex. people. culture. yeah. i think that sort of covers some of the more... sensible conversation. so things like mike telling stef he has to go pee are not included. one of the three mikes there lol. oh yeah. and mike came later...before sarah and crystal i believe. mike bortolussi i mean.. evil heartless "kill yourself" dude. not the "pee" dude who i kept calling kyle the whole night. we'll have jesus as "kill yourself" mike. kyle as "pee" mike. and the third mike, "shirtless" mike, can just be mike.

aha. yes. so uh. stef got... really...really... really drunk. she was falling all over the place. oh god. sid was pretty bad. uhm. sarah and i i think were next up. i don't even... who else there drank... "kyle" did... he didn't seem THAT drunk...but more than sarah and me i think... and then i don't think the rest of the crowd drank. oh wait. crystal. but she didn't SEEM drunk at all... a quiet drunk i guess?? *shrugs*

so yes. um. stef was..*shakes head* interesting. she wishes she was bi apparently. you can have anyone (right stef. it's okay - - you were drunk. lol) and then she wanted to see sarah and i make out. *shakes head* lol i get the feeling that if i keep talking about stef i'll keep doing the shaking of the head dealio. when she got drunker she started being all over me sort of. you know the mention of her having a boyfriend came up, it was all good, she didn't really TRY anything... she was just very. *shakes head* let's not go there. i'm not about to violate her privacy any more than i have. public journal, public journal.

now, not to violate privacy any more (well, only my own)... given complete freedom on both ends, i'd probably have her - stef that is. i've had thoughts ages ago. like... *thinks back* when did i first have any "thoughts" about her... probably about a year ago... and nothing really big or anything. just passing thoughts. and so, sure. i'd have some fun with stef. lol. *shakes head*

but yes. after finally... being rid of stef, sarah was right there. lol. so we (we being me) jump from one girl to the next and get on top of sarah. oh god. lol. i am such a whore. yeah. so sid wanted to see us kiss (what's with everyone wanting to see some action?? that's what hans was saying too - he wants a show... geez people, don't you know you have to pay first?? lol =P).. so sid was like "come oon, just a peck" so EVENTUALLY, we gave her the peck. well, i guess we gave her the pleasure of VIEWING a peck. so after a...long while of just being on the floor... we were forced to get up and move to the bed. so we just lay there talking. twas nice enough. sarah is nice. yup yup. i thought she was a cutie back when i first met her... and i still do.

and now i am led to the next point. that point goes by the name of elizabeth. yes, the one and only. point being... i love her. point being i feel guilty about tonight. point being i shouldn't because it's not like we're... together. but. i do. because i'm all liz liz liz. and then tonight i have a little fun with someone else. not a lot. a little. nothing big. but still. ari feels guilty. but what can i do? and besides, she's the one who wants "open relationship" stuff... so. there. it'd work both ways right? but ari just talked about how ari wouldn't want anything with anyone else if ari had liz. even if it WAS an open relationship. now all ari wonders is..if it was... would that change anything? would it make me more "sorry, no getting touchy-kissy and whatnot with you." or not? who knows... i know that if it WAS exclusive there'd be no question. and there i was a few entries ago wondering if there is a point to actually outlining a difference between the two. of course there is. exclusive just may be EASIER though... because then there isn't the whole "oh i want to, but i'll feel guilty" thoughts. then it's just.. nope, taken, can't. at this point in time though...with the CURRENT state of things... nothing serious would happen with anyone else. something like tonight, sure... well, clearly so, since tonight took place lol... but anything much more than that...definitely not. not while my pursuit for liz lasts. and so that may mean, not for quuuite some time. who knows. it's liz. it could take forever. it could take years. it could take months. it could take weeks. or days. hours not likely though (or smaller divisions)... and i will wait. as usual. and now i feel bad in another sense... am i leading sarah on? probably. will there likely BE anything there? anything that would turn into something? probably not. not unless liz blows me off to the point that i'm like "okay wow, i'll never ever have a chance with her" but damn it. i haven't been allowing my emotions to be in control tonight... instead it's just me physically doing whatever seems good at the moment. and so horny me want action. horny me no think. horny me still want action. horny me needs to be shot. lol. cuz horny me could not only be working against my best interests but could also hurt others possibly. meh. i'm so tired. not making a whole lot of sense i don't think.

to sum things up about this: i love liz and nothing serious will happen with anyone. fun is fun so i guess in the spur of the moment sure it can take place... but liz is still the only one making herself nice and comfy in my heart. and this is why it may be best if no one else is INTERESTED in me. then my job is much easier. but i don't know. i don't doubt my feelings for liz for even a moment i just... feel attracted to other grrls too..

and let's just end this topic because i can't seem to fully explain to the full effect how i'm feeling. all i know is that i feel bad in two directions and that's no good.

now... that i'm done sort of blabbing about tonight and whatnot... saturday. if i can keep myself awake. first off. i have to. i'm gonna be on for when liz comes on before heading off to work. and second i meant to update yesterday (saturday) but i went for a nap and that nap ended up lasting over 13 hours.. so i woke up at around 9ish this morning... so yeah. i'm updating now...

oh fuck but i'm so so so tired... but she'll be on in like..20 minutes i think... gotta keep awake. i made it this long. i can wait till she comes on to talk to her for a few minutes.

hehe okay so this is where i stopped typing for a while cuz she came on..earlier than i expected and i talked to her. then she had me call her. so i talked to her on the phone. just got off..

*sighs* i love her. i love her with every cell in my body. agh. agh. agh. that's a new expression. why why why?

i'm not supposed to lead people on. stupid stupid. i've just been a horny lil girl tonight i guess. but damn. i'm gonna have to pull another kait and distance myself won't i? fuck i can't keep doing that.

that'll be 4. i can't be making a habit of this. i don't know. maybe i don't have to. that's right. she can understand. the whole loving liz business. hell i'm sure she's aware that this likely wasn't gonna go very far. she DID know about my feelings for liz thanks to this little thing right here (the journal i mean). so yeah. good. maybe i don't have to be evil. lol. we'll see how it goes.

now saturday... the day that i... well..no. let's start with friday. friday night... at 9, i had my prom/formal whatever you wanna call it. so i went... that went on till 12...so i was home you know.. before 1...

by the time i got ready for bed and all... it was maybe quarter after 1... go to bed... with my newly burned cd consisting of 76 some odd minutes of fervid whisper music. listen to it completely once. sort of didn't remember hearing the one song..so i must've dozed off a bit during it.. then it played over again.. after the first 3 or 4 songs (about 20 or so minutes) i turned the music off figuring maybe that's what was keeping me awake... it was somewhere around 3am i think... so then i just kinda lay there... feeling kinda tired..unable to sleep... the whole TRYING to make myself fall asleep doesn't go over very well. and then thinking about "ah, i'm getting up in a couple hours so i can spend a day with liz" didn't make falling asleep any easier. so come 4 o'clock..i figure..maybe reading will put me to sleep so i can get at least an HOUR or so... but nope. at 4:30 or so...i figured i might as well get up..only half an hour before i was supposed to anyway... and so i slowly started getting ready... shortly after 6 liz picked me up... and we were off...

so we drove to the bus terminal... got there around 6:30..to find they open at 6:30 supposedly but didn't really until 7...so at 7 we bought our tickets..bus was at 7:30. and off we were to toronto. yum. i barely slept on the bus. probably less than half an hour...

so we went shopping (liz went shopping lol - - i was just with her. not that i mind that. i really really didn't care WHAT we were doing, as long as i could just spend time with her...i'm a happy camper. can't make me happier. so really, i was indifferent to the actual WHAT and WHERE part of the day... it was just the WHO... i just wanted to be with her. so i was happy.).. we went to the dyke march thing... we walked around... etc...

lol, at one point, while we were in the gay-crowd... when she was holding my hand... *laughs* i remember just looking at the girls walking... and thinking "ha! none of you are holding her hand. i'm the luckiest one here. i get to hold her hand!" lol.. yes, so i'm sure none of them would find it quite as fun and exciting to be holding liz's hand, but for me it was just about the highlight of my day. oh, it was the highlight of my week is probably a safe thing to say. it was the best thing to happen since i spent the day at her cottage last saturday... that was a perfect day. i wouldn't call toronto a perfect day. it didn't have that "perfectness" to it lol. *shrugs* i dunno.

lol i still can't fully believe it. i know i know. get over it. i held her hand. whoop-dee-doo. but. this is L I Z. any little thing with liz is just magnified by some huge magnifier. lol. (that was original *shakes head*)... it's just how i FEEL that makes a world of difference. anyone else on this planet i could hold hands with and it'd be like okay, so what? liz. i could have probably written an entire entry on it. i was just full of joy from head to toe. just walking along, holding her hand, feeling like that. ah. great. it was just wonderful. and yes, as usual, me feeling all happy like that around her results in me thinking of kissing her..never DOING it, but thinking it. but then, i was quickly able to just dismiss it and think 'nope, take it easy there, you're holding her hand. that's plenty for now. be happy.' and happy i surely was.

okay so i sort of... think i've babbled enough. right? right? right. i really doubt that the stuff when i was barely able to keep my eyes open will be stuff i actually meant to say and have it have any lasting meaning... but oh well. what can i do.

sarah left at like... 4:30 or 5-ish... then liz came on maybe half an hour later... but i was really starting to just doze off earlier... sarah was sort of able to keep me up. then when she left... i was nearly GONE... luckily liz didn't take THAT long. yay. i was gonna wait up for her one night..when it was like 3:30..but i was just..no. bed time. sleep time. so i didn't.

and tonight i wanted to... so i did. it was tough. but i did it. yeah. i'm tough *flexes muscles* hehehe, hans said something about me being in a commando movie. me being the female terminator or something. *giggles* dat's funny. now i feel like my little kid self. anyhoo. sleepy time. dream of liz time. lol. half the time i say that i DON'T dream of her, so i should just stop.

well i'm off now. keep yawning. night (er, morning... it's almost 6:30 lol.. june... 30th. monday. wow. okay. plan to be up by...2:30 or 3 at the latest..we'll see.. night.)

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