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just thinking about certain topics..raised by certain things... i'm not gonna go backtrack what i have thought through so far..i'm just going to carry on.. if it doesn't seem to make sense, tough luck, i'm writing this for no one but me.

which sort of perfectly leads in to what i'm about to write... i am so selfish. i guess in the sense that i'm thinking, most people are... it's because we are insecure and afraid. so we become emotionally selfish.

and i'm trying to change that... so i'm looking at it from a different viewpoint now... everyone who is in her life, plays some role in her life... and this is great. this is good for her. i can play my role. but i can't play anyone else's. if i tried, i'd fail miserably at all of them but my own, right? so i should be thankful. and i am.

but hold on.. to fix something we need to find the root of the problem..why am *i* insecure? what is it i'm afraid of... afraid that i'll just be left behind.. you know.. 'hey look, i like all the other people in my life much more then ari. forget ari.' so why would i have such a fear? what would cause me to be insecure about myself in a sense that i'm afraid that i'll just be left out in the cold.. i don't know. if i knew that.. i could maybe deal with it... then not be as afraid/insecure... and then i wouldn't have to be selfish... and then it would be good...

hmm...well what am i asking myself to do... to take this worry off my own hands and just trust that i won't be left out in the cold... right? but then my brain is thinking "no you fool! you can't just let it happen... if you're left in the cold... you'll wish you would have tried to stop it" but how could i stop it... if i WASN'T wanted... it's not like i should be trying to prove that i am worthy, right? so essentially, it ISN'T in my hands, is it?

so i should just... not worry about it... right? cuz clearly... if she's around me... if she's talking to me... clearly she chooses to do so and isn't being FORCED into it when she would really prefer to just you know... throw me away and never talk to me again. so i should just.. play my role... and if she feels that role is adding ANYTHING to her life rather than taking away, she will want to keep me there... but.. that's where my mind goes- so then maybe i should figure out how to control that role.. so that she DOES want me in her life...

and i think that's where i'm stuck probably... i don't know.

yet again, "what's the right way to go? what's the right thing to do" oh hamlet, hamlet.. shakedown. mm..memories.

on a somewhat different topic... i've been pondering over what i should do... with the issue at hand.. let's see... she doesn't trust me, or nearly anyone for that matter. so what is BEST for her... from me? i could... well... hmm... completely distance myself and let her go and see if things miraculously become perfect lol... or i could... stay sorta kinda...indifferent... there..but not there... or i could be just there and not THINKING about it..just BEING (ie. the way i would with sid.. i don't THINK about how i'm going to be there for her... i just.. am. i'm there.. and if she needs me..great. if she doesn't..*THIS PROGRAM HAS BEEN INTERRUPTED*

lol i was talking to liz on the phone..oh god... i swear..i don't think i am capable of NOT smiling when i talk to her. she could be telling me a scary or a sad story and i'd probably have a smile on my face just listening to her voice..again i feel like i can relate to keith: "it's heaven"

i can't help but feel for the guy... but. life is life. can't always turn out the way you'd like...

now what was lil ole me babblin about earlier? oh right..what should i do? okay..i had sort of tiptoed around the issue... bluntly: i should just be her friend. now is not the time to be trying for anything more... i don't think that that's what she needs...even if she DID say yes, it likely wouldn't be in her best interest to do so...so for now..ari does nothing. if ari does make any change..it will be to be a better friend. well it's not like i can consciously decide what kind of friend i'm going to be while i'm talking to her or something... but..*shrugs* i just don't ever want to let her down...

oh, and i sort of..lol... she said something that.. well. um.

Ari says: i think i just heard her car pull up.
Liz says: does that mean you have to go?
Ari says: no not really... maybe just to go say hi.
Liz says: okay... good
Ari says: you don't want me to go?
Liz says: no
Ari says: okay... good.

i'm just thinking back to the 'it's her choice.' and it is. she doesn't hate my guts. i think i need to... get that clear. not that i think she HATES my guts..i just.. fear that she really doesn't enjoy having me as a friend.. i get too worried that if i make a mistake -- do something wrong... that i'd lose her..her friendship. and i couldn't have that...

i suddenly see where keith is coming from with his viewpoint on not being able to see him and sid apart... but.. god, i'd MUCH rather have liz's friendship than nothing at all..hmm..maybe speaking from the point of view of only ever having HAD her friendship influences that.. but still.. i think if we WERE together.. i'd still much rather be friends if it were to end than have NOTHING... if i have her in my life..then that's good...i'm happy... i'd figure out how to deal with the emotions and all... but i just wouldn't want to completely lose her...

i was also thinking about trust cuz she mentioned trust... i don't have my mind clear on that topic so i'm just not gonna go there...just thinking about who i trust.. if i trust her.. if she should trust me. but i don't think i'm approaching my thinking correctly so i'm not gonna get into any of that since i really just don't know.

and... i DON'T know how to just write for me as i had stated earlier... it's like..like i have to write so that if anyone who doesn't know where it's all coming from or if say even i was to re-read this YEARS from now..so it'd be clear... but i want to write so that i'm just writing an EXTENTION of my thoughts..not a one-paragraph explanation of a thought i had. gah. lol. i like stef's journal. yet. i find parts too event-oriented. i don't want mine to be event-oriented (ie. go to a party..talk about how it was endlessly. do something..talk about it..) i want it to be more opinion and/or emotion based. but i like stef's style -- especially if it's opinion/emotion based. anyhoo.

off i go i think... i'll read some sophie's world... if liz decides to come back online at all before work..i'll be here.. reading. and when she leaves i'll head to bed.. aww...she has to work while i go off and sleep :( ...she should sleep and i should go to work for her. lol i told sid today that i'd do that..go to work for her tomorrow. so i could go for both of them... i can be two people :P lol anyhoo. sophie.

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