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wow, for once, ari has not been on msn or had any real contact with a computer for over 24 hours lol... saturday night... at around 9:30.. we left to meli/edi's place... my parents and i that is... i slept over there...both sat and sun nights.. i did go on the computer very shortly while there, but first, it was for something mev (their brother) wanted to see, so meli, him and i went on the computer.. and the second time, it was for gathering a tiny bit of information. but no msn or any friends' sites, or anything of that sort. (i come home this afternoon to 93 junk mail messages today. ugh. DEEEELEEEETE!)

i'd like to sort of talk about edita... i don't understand why edita's family doesn't want her going to university.. i mean, she's only entering high school now, but, i don't understand why they're already closing the doors for her. when i talk to her, i see so much potential in that girl... she has intellect. the capacity to THINK. she told me about signing up for more or less all applied courses in high school (i think the only exception being academic english).. she talked about wanting to go to university with me, so i told her that she should probably change those courses, at least some of them - - the ones she plans to continue studying at the senior level... because she can't take University or University/College level courses with only applied gr.9/10 background. and w/out the U or U/C courses, bye-bye University. Since she was afraid the academic courses would be too tough for her, i told her that she should give it a try for maybe up to a month or so, and if it is too tough, switch to applied. no loss. if she starts in applied, it could get more complicated when trying to switch into academic, if she finds applied easy.

and she seemed like she was going to... and when i came over (or was it when her and merlita came over here a few days ago? *shrugs*)..she mentioned that she talked to her mom, and her mom apparently doesn't want her going to university. no point in investing that much time and money into something she might not even want to do, or that might not end up being worthwhile... personally, i think just the EDUCATION you get is worthwhile enough... let alone the fact that if you pursue something you love, you'll be doing a job you love. but no, instead, her family wants her to pursue college, at most. i THINK you can take college level courses in your senior years w/ an applied junior background. i think it's kind of dumb. the girl LOVES talking about university, and expresses great interest in so many things like *grins* philosophy. and some of the careers she seems interested in require university-level education, and nope. *bang* sorry hun, not for you. *sighs* nothing i can do about it, right? but damn it, i believe in that girl and i want her to reach her full potential! but i don't want to be seen as the "evil" girl putting ideas into her head. such horrible horrible ideas about the values of EDUCATION. i know. i'm pure evil. hell, i must be CORRUPTING her. thinking there's any point in going to university. what a load of bull. *shrugs* maybe they'll come around. let her switch before it's too late. that is, if she truly wants it. i know she's CAPABLE, i belive in her, but it's just a matter of how much she wants it. i don't know if this is good or not but she seems to succumb to her parents' wishes easily. i admire how much she respects them, but, she should also stand up for what she wants in life, IMO.

hmm. i miss people. just talking to people. i mentioned somewhere that i'm better at conveying ideas when actually TALKING to someone rather than just writing like this... and while that's true, i'm not sure if it's the TALKING, or if it's just the input from the other end. i think a little of both. in a way, i seem to be... more open when i'm not TALKING, but WRITING to someone. yet, at the same time, i am able to be more CLEAR if i am talking to someone than if i am writing to someone. and least clear if i am writing to no one, ie. here. (or in an e-mail, where there is no input from the other end)..the reason probably being because on MSN, say, although you have input from the other end, it is less immidiate - - you type your thoughts, the other side reads what you write, responds and so on... short, instant e-mail, basically. whereas, if you're TALKING to someone, they are hearing what you're saying AS you're talking and are able to respond right away and it's more interactive, if in person (as opposed to the phone, for example). and when i'm talking about conveying ideas here, i mean just talking about THINGS..anything. but not so much EMOTIONS.

now, looking at emotions... i MUCH prefer to WRITE rather than SPEAK... why? words can't seem to leave my mouth when there is much emotion attached to them. but they more or less freely leave my fingertips. i'd love to learn to SAY my emotions and WRITE my thoughts. not to unlearn the reverse, mind you, but simply to be able to SPEAK and WRITE well in both aspects. hmm.. not to say i even write well when expressing my emotions, but at least i am CAPABLE of writing openly about what i feel, whereas the words get caught in my throat if i try to say them...

example... today, i was talking to my dad... sort of arguing.. and so obviously, i'm getting emotionally worked up. and it seems that if i'm required to talk while emotionally worked up, boom, tears come shooting right out of my eyes. A L W A Y S. why? no idea. and i found SO many thoughts running through my head, DYING to be said. but my mouth doesn't move. dying to say "i just wish you wouldn't attack me. then maybe i could actually speak to you instead of automatically going into defense mode. and yes, i made a mistake, i can see that, do you really think i'm that blind? but, i also think i'm old enough to LEARN from a mistake. and really, am i not allowed to make mistakes? we all do. and we learn from them. so let me make mistakes and learn from them. why add any more tension and stress to it than that? it's quite simple really." aaanyway. that was SORT of what went through my head. that's another thing - - i can't seem to transcribe thoughts from my brain onto paper/screen word-for-word (when i actually end up thinking my thoughts in WORDS, instead of just "feeling" them.. word-thoughts being extremely rare..usually only occuring when they are actually things i plan to/wish to TELL someone. and often don't. or do, but make it sound much less effective than it was in my head. grrr.)

and true enough, i can't expect to be able to precisely state my thoughts, even if they ARE word-thoughts... but i'd like to. for once, i'd like to write something, express an idea, or an emotion, and think "there, that's precisely what i wanted to say" i truly wouldn't care how someone reading it takes it... because, chances are, no one would process any words on a page/screen COMPLETELY the same way... and stef wrote an entry in her livejournal on why that is so, and i agree whole-heartedly. i mean, obviously, everyone has a different set of experiences/views/etc and will take in pieces of information slightly differently from anyone else because of that. but really, i don't CARE how anyone else percieves anything i write... as long as *i* feel like i've presented things accurately..or the way i wish for them to be presented. because, i *know* no one will experience those thoughts the way i had as i wrote them down, each reader would view them slightly differently. and even if they did experience them 100% equally, there is no way for us to know that. how could we? the only way we could say what we thought as we read is using words... and again, hearing/reading those words may result in a different reaction in each person's mind. maybe mildly different, maybe entirely different, we would never know. and i mean, stef and i are essentially expressing the same view here, but her mind could process it completely differently than mine had, or maybe it would be *almost* identical..but i highly doubt it could be completely identical, because i strongly believe that if two people experience ALL of the same events, ALL of the same emotions, if there is basically no distinction, WHATSOEVER, between the two minds, only then would they be able to process an idea the same way..feel the same sensation as that idea is going through their minds. no other way. and clearly, stef and i are not even close to being identical, so clearly, she must have had at least a SOMEWHAT different interpratation of that than i had. well i mean, ESSENTIALLY, it's still the same interpretation..it's just the WAY it was interpreted, what GOT her to there, HOW her mind thought it through, is what must have been different. what she "thought-felt" as she reached that interpretation.

i must say...i wish i had someone here right now. someone i can talk to. someone like... like edita. or maybe liz. or masa (at least the one i knew before..who knows if it'd still be possible).. or sid, possibly (we get a little over-heated in discussions though, since we usually disagree. it's fun though)... maybe lizak or stef. or anyone else with a brain who i'm carelessly forgetting, or haven't really talked to enough to determine if they have a "compatible brain" so to speak. wow. the words on the screen are suddenly becoming more blurry. maybe being away from the computer is now making too much computer time difficult. nah..couldn't be. hmm.. try glasses. lol no difference. they really make practically NO difference. i notice a LITTLE bit sometimes... like once, when i was driving w/ my dad, and there was the sign that said "Wilson Ave." and i glanced at it w/ and w/out glasses, and it looked a TAD more focused w/ them. but it's barely noticeable. and it's for distance, so of course it wouldn't help with anything like the computer. and obviously things weren't getting blurry because i have bad vision, but merely because it's a white computer screen...staring at it forever...

i can't believe how much i've written. and most importantly, how much non-event oriented things i've written. and none of which were whinning and complaining either. for once, i think i've made a slight bit of progress in writing what i think. not forcing thoughts to surface, but merely... writing an opinion. yes! that's it. opinions. i need to write about opinions. i mean, i need to express my opinions on topics... that'll be good. and i think i don't have enough confidence in the things i say? that'll help. i'll express opinions which will be up for anyone to see and i'll (hopefully) stand behind them and back them up...and if i should HAPPEN to be wrong (hypothetically speaking, we all know i'm really actually flawless and could never be wrong ;) =P)... but IF i was, then i simply go, oh right, my bad, i overlooked that point, or whatever. right right? i mean, i go around expressing opinions on subjects i encounter one way or another... and where do i usually express those opinions? oh, usually on forums or other such places, where i encountered whatever it is that caused me to even think about the topic at hand... why not instead express my opinion here? or here AND there... and stop rambling here about little whinny petty topics. it sometimes gets to the point that i'm disgusted by how much nothingness i write.. or well, complaining and bitching, and going on and on and on about... something that to me, is nothing. like. like.. um. "i am so bored" and then go on about that for a page or something. complaining how i haven't seen so-and-so in this long and so on.

on that note. i do miss someone. we all know who. and we all know i miss her a lot. and i'm going to stop right there. oh, and a little tiny note: i haven't talked to her since friday night... so that means, all of saturday, and all of today, sunday... i have gone without talking to her... over 48 hours! can you believe that? that is unbelievable. being as i normally talk to her E V E R Y day (online). and now, it's been more than 2 full days. i think she left for out of town friday night around 7-ish... and i haven't talked to her since then... and it's now almost midnight... so that means... around 53 hours. wow. lol. 2 days and 5 hours. not that i'm COMPLAINING, per se. i'm just stating the unusual. lol. yes, i am desperately trying not to appear whinny. and before i go any further than that..i'm gonna go. i've written plenty plenty plenty.

sleep? nah. not yet. hey, i just noticed: i'm alone. coooompletely alone. it doesn't feel any different than not being alone lol. i mean, my parents are usually in the living room, or in the case of my dad, in the basement. i'm upstairs. i don't notice their presence at all... so now that neither of them is here, it feels no different. i just now know that there is no chance of either of them suddenly coming in my room or anything. both at work. mom will be back in about 3 hours. but i'll probably be in bed by then...i'll try. went to bed around 4:30 sat. night... and around 2:30 or 3 sun. night... let's try for... 1:30 or 2 tonight. that gives me a couple more hours. good good.

off i go. bye bye now.

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