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So, here I am, updating again...

So, earlier... after I updated the last entry... I was downstairs... and I got SO close to just saying "mom, i want to major in psychology"... but nope, never did. It's as though I... I'd hear myself say "mom" and then realise I just said it in my head and then well.. nothing. It stays at that. Anyway...later we were eating... and after, I started getting the shitty feeling again. Go upstairs. Sit on my bed. Cry. Sob. Why? No idea. Lay down. Some more tears roll down my face. Then I get the angry feeling again. This time it's not late - off I go, and play drums.

I must say one thing: I am a much better drummer when I'm angry. Aggression causes good drumming. Heh. Nice. So, yes. After drumming I felt good. So I've just been talking to Liz and stuff online for the past while... and tis all good...

Now, why the hell I'm getting this down moods, I don't know. And it's always anger + downness/crying... first one then the other... I mean, WHAT THE HELL?? If I at least knew WHY I've been getting like this, it might not be so confusing... and I could deal with it...

Hmm... and I remember before... as in a long time ago.. I used to sometimes get this feeling of... my insides screaming. Like, I'll just be doing something... nothing big... and I'll just get this weird feeling... and all my insides would be screaming.. and I could HEAR it... like I quiet, high-pitched scream... and it just kind of goes away when it wants to. And it'd be really weird... and I haven't felt that for the longest time... but then a few days back... maybe a week or so, I dunno.. I felt it a couple of times again. And I don't know WHY... I could just be sitting there, not doing anything... or just... you know.. .nothing special.. and on the outside I feel okay.. and I mean, before this happens, I feel perfectly fine, but suddenly it just starts screaming.. and I'm just like what the hell? I'm not stressing out over anything, I feel fine, why am I inwardly screaming? And then it stops, and it's still all good...

Hmm.. odd. And it's not like I'm stressing over school or anything like that. It's really not bugging me much... I just wish I wasn't so lazy with it all.. but yeah.. otherwise I'm good. So I really really don't know...

The only thing that makes sense is maybe just the lack of socializing... my life consists of school and home.. so the only people I see outside of class are my parents. RARELY on the weekend I might get to see someone... like, last weekend, I got to spend time with Sid, Steve, Meli, Edi... so that was good. But other than that, it's MOSTLY been alone-time. So it's either that... or I have NO idea what it is...

If it is that...then I guess I'll have to deal with it a little while longer... cuz mid-terms need my attention.

Partially I'm glad that they're spread out like this, so I'm not hit with everything at once... but at the same time, I have my mid-terms spread out over more than a MONTH. So it's like, damn... I can never just relax a little... why can't they put them closer together? Like, I had Calculus Oct. 6... why couldn't they put algebra, I don't know, this week or something... right, cuz all the stupid math/cs midterms are on monday 7-9. so they can't have more than one a week and this past week monday was a holiday, sooo... yeah. but that's just crappy. And I don't know why they're leaving mon. nov. 3 midterm free and then giving us another one on nov. 10... bah. well at least in a bit over a week, i'll have done my cs midterm and then i'll have 2 weeks till calc. so it'll be ok. and then after calc, it'll be good. no more midterms. no testing till finals (excluding psych, but that doesn't count, i like the way that's set up - 4 tests throughout the term, no midterms, no finals)...

Anyway. It's 10 past 7, so me's gonna go and study for algebra (no, I still haven't started)...

Adios

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